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I’m generally a polite and kind person, but I have to admit that I’m extremely polite and kind when I know I’m going to be reviewed by another person. Like in an Uber. Knowing my driver is going to rate me out of five stars at the end of the trip keeps me kind. So when a friend of mine recently shared a bridezilla story with me, I couldn’t help but wonder (said in my best Carrie Bradshaw voice): What if brides were rated like Uber drivers? Would brides be better behaved if they knew they were going to be reviewed?
Not a bad idea, right? So, bride, you want me to take off three days of work for your bachelorette? Think again, my friend, because your rating will definitely go down. I think it’s only right that the bridesmaids be the ones choosing how many stars to give their lady in white. The bride who plans a destination engagement party, bachelorette, and wedding gets a solid 1.0, while the bride who lets you pick out any black dress for the big day earns an easy 5.0.
I recently found out my actual Uber rating, and despite my awareness of how important is to be kind, timely, and polite to people who are about to rate you, I have a 4.60! Can you believe? Apparently, this is a pretty horrendous score. While I’m not in the market for marriage just yet, I wondered what this means about my potential to be a bridezilla.
Am I truly an awful monster? I like to tell myself I’ve just cancelled late a few too many times so that I can sleep at night, but what if I’m just entirely lacking self-awareness and manners?! If you’re wondering what your Uber rating says about you as a bride, here’s where you rank on the scale of garbage person in a veil to perfect angel bride.
A Perfect 5.0
You’re considerate, appreciative, and never forget a thank you note. You remember to ask your bridal party about what’s going on in your life, and you don’t rip your curtains out of the bridal suite wall when the florist’s delivery is running late. Teach us how to be more like you, you magical unicorn. Let’s all applaud you now.
You’re definitely a kind, well-mannered bridechilla who would never treat your wedding as though you were the next Meghan Markle. That said, when things get down to the wire, you’re knowing to snap or spiral into a pit of anxiety that leaves your chauffeur waiting for an extra 35 minutes. All you need to be a 5.0 is a great friend to help you snap out of it when things get stressful. You’ve got this.
Oh boy, we’ve crossed below the 4.5 threshold which means you definitely have a tendency to get a bit self-involved and forget all the little people who got to your big day. Maybe you forget to tip your makeup artist, or maybe you sound just a little too demanding when you ask your bridesmaids to organize mimosas pre-wedding. Calm your jitters, and you’ll be 4.5 in no time.
You have a tendency to get too self-involved, and it’s showing. It’s especially showing on your wedding day when you ask everyone to travel to a farm in Vermont, but provide no details about transportation or where the nearest airport is. But don’t stress, you can hire a wedding planner to get you to that 5.0 star life.
You’re going to be a bridezilla, so you better get ahead of the game. Talk to a therapist, do some yoga, remember your Ps and Qs — whatever it takes to get some perspective. Another way to guard against turning monster adjacent when it comes to your big day? Keep it honest. Saying “I’m being a bridezilla, I’m sorry,” makes you so much less of a trainwreck than a completely ignorant bride.
Below 3 Stars
Yeah, you’re going to be a bridezilla. You’ve probably already asked your bridal party to lose five pounds each. I can’t help you.
Written by: Kimmy Foskett