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AUSTIN— After deciding that a simple wedding cake wasn’t suitable for the biggest day of her life, local bride Ariana Frost reportedly drove to her nearest Bank of America and took out a mortgage to pay for a designer wedding cake.

“Any old couple can spend a few hundred dollars and have a normal, run-of-the-mill cake,” said the 27-year-old bride-to-be, who plans on spending several thousand dollars on an artisanal cake with seasonal, sustainable ingredients shipped from farms across the United States, according to anonymous sources. “Steve and I are different. Our love is special. And how do I want to commemorate that love? Taking out a substantial loan in order to pay for a cake from Lillian’s Bakeshop that costs more than most Americans will earn this month.”


When pressed why she thought this large payment necessary, Frost had a simple explanation: “I believe that there’s a strong relationship between the amount paid for a wedding cake and the likelihood of a successful marriage. Do I want to spend a measly $400 and risk losing Steve after 13 years and two children, or do I want to pay up for a frosted creation that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle could only dream of? Sorry, folks, but I’m only doing this once, and I’m going to do it right.”

At press time, Frost was putting in a request to the bakery about putting real diamonds on the cake.